


i make a monsoon, and it's about you

by makomoris



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Amputation, Body Horror, Guilt, M/M, levi and his feelings about erwin's arm :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:49:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29682123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makomoris/pseuds/makomoris
Summary: The changes are minute, really, in the grand scheme of things. Levi feels shattered all the same. If no one is going to acknowledge the gaping space that walks beside Erwin everyday, Levi unconsciously does.or the aftermath of erwin's arm, and how levi takes on the guilt of it all.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	i make a monsoon, and it's about you

**Author's Note:**

> title from my favorite tove lo song, _undone_. major brain dump, so i'm sure there's errors, and i hope it makes sense lol

After Erwin’s arm gets bitten off by a Titan, it didn’t seem like anything changed. On the surface, really, everything seemed perfectly fine. It was almost like Erwin’s missing arm was a blip in their usual lives, but Levi knows better than that. 

He almost trips a hundred times getting to the hospital room that day when everyone came back from their expedition to save Eren. His injured leg isn’t helping any of the hollowness he feels. Levi wants so badly to find the Titan that did it, find the soldiers who let it happen, and most of all, find Erwin to let him know how badly he fucked up. 

He rounds the corner and finds the room easily. Erwin is sitting up, facing the sunny windows, and Levi grips the side of the door and swallows.

"You fucked up," Levi says, from the doorway, and Erwin swivels his head toward him, and they both breathe in, out, _quick_ , like just seeing each other reset their bodies.

"Interestingly enough, I know,” Erwin says back. He looks tired, deep dark bags under his eyes. “Hange already got the dental marks copied, so not a total loss.” 

His voice sounds normal, and Levi thinks he sounds too calm, like Erwin almost dying is an everyday thing. 

However, Levi’s shaky legs match Erwin’s shaky remaining hand.

Levi exhales, and says, "You know you won’t die without me, anyways." 

Erwin smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

 _Don’t leave,_ Levi really wants to say. _Don’t leave me. You’re all I have._

*

To others, the change was minimal. Levi sees it clearly through the Survey Corps — they glance at the lone sleeve pulsating slowly in the wind every so often, but Erwin still commands their attention with his voice, in all his stability. Erwin doesn’t seem like he’s bothered by it, either, so that just lends his new body, well, a new normalcy. 

There are moments, though, after it first happened.

The first time Erwin joins the hall for lunch, there’s a stuttered silence where everyone goes quiet for a moment. Erwin smiles, noticing the lull. 

"As you were," he says, his tone even. Levi sees some faces blush, others duck their heads down, the rest respectfully at ease. The noise picks up again, and Erwin finds his place next to Levi and Hange.

Sometimes, Levi notices, there are soldiers who run up to give the Commander messages, and they hold it off to the side where Erwin has to turn his entire body in order to grab it with his left, and he never admonishes the messenger, just takes the letter and hands it to Levi to open. Levi feels like throttling a lot of necks those days. 

It takes a while for Erwin to sign his letters properly, being right handed, and he lets Levi sign in place of him for a lot in the beginning before he trains his hand anew. These are small changes, and it’s almost like Erwin is really trying to normalize that he’s just the same as before. 

Erwin, obviously, can’t use the ODM gear the way everyone else does, but it doesn’t stop him from trying it out in other ways. Levi sometimes sees him practicing, at night, when everyone’s gone home. Seeing it makes Levi ache in a way he doesn’t want to face.

A commander with one arm is the same as a commander with two arms, everyone in the Survey Corps thinks. Even Hange is likely to agree. Mike would, too, if he was here. 

But Levi does know better. Afterall, him and Erwin are together, this complete thing. There’s nothing he doesn’t know about Erwin, nothing he won’t find out eventually.

_You’re all I have._

Doesn’t Erwin know that? 

*

Their physical relationship changes, for sure.

Every night when Levi goes to Erwin’s room, he usually greets Levi with a hug after the stifled day. After losing his arm, though, he sees Erwin at a loss, maybe for the first time ever. He looks pained, his left fist clenching, and Levi huffs, picking up Erwin’s arm and wrapping it around his own shoulder. 

"I can’t hold you anymore," Erwin muses, his eyes going distant. 

"Tch," Levi says. "You’re holding me just fine."

Erwin finds it hard to be on top occasionally, when he’s fucking Levi slow on those nights, so sometimes Levi pushes his hand against Erwin’s right stump to give him some balance, and it works most of the time.

Erwin’s remaining fingers are more punishing on Levi’s hips, and Levi is still fucked quite open, the smell of Erwin’s pulse point where Levi buries his nose. He’s reminded of being absolutely driven into, Erwin single minded in his pursuit. Erwin’s thighs move a little more roughly, and Levi’s own spread to accommodate. 

There are nights where Erwin gets his phantom limb pain, and the medicine sometimes isn’t enough. Those nights, Levi crawls up Erwin’s body on the bed, and makes Erwin suck his cock and pushes in so deep, he knows Erwin can’t breathe. He fucks Erwin’s mouth, his hand gripping the edge of his face, makes Erwin come on his demand, and then starts it all over again until Erwin forgets the pain and gets lost under Levi. 

There are days where Levi finds himself kissing Erwin’s stump, the air around them all sticky, and Erwin always blushes for some odd reason, looking away. Levi later finds out it’s because Erwin thinks it’s an ugly part of himself now, and doesn’t really want Levi near it. _It’s stupid,_ Levi thinks, _how Erwin doesn’t know how endearing he is, and how dear._ He fucks Erwin hard those days.

_You’re all I have._

Doesn’t Erwin understand that?

*

The changes are minute, really, in the grand scheme of things. Levi feels shattered all the same. If no one is going to acknowledge the gaping space that walks beside Erwin everyday, Levi unconsciously does. 

He carries the missing piece of Erwin around his neck. Levi imagines it’s in a plastic bag, dripping red, imagines the tear marks around the edge of the arm, the Titan’s teeth wide and long and jagged. He feels like he hears the arm moving around in a pool of blood, the swish distinctive, making Levi feel slightly nauseous at how dirty the arm must get. He wants to clean it.

The doctor removes the brace around his left ankle on a Tuesday, and Levi feels the arm that’s slinged in a bag around his neck get heavier, worse now that he doesn’t have a reminder that he wasn’t there to save Erwin. At least he could take a glance down at his ankle and know he had a logical reason he couldn’t have gone on the expedition, even when Erwin gave him an order to stay.

_Stay. How could have I stayed? Look what happened to you._

The arm becomes a chokehold around his neck, and Levin finds it difficult to breathe. He doesn’t realize how bad it gets until one night, Erwin curls up around him and bumps into the bag of blood and an arm that won’t ever come back. Levi feels the fingers in the bag move against him, and he gasps out loud, a guttural sound.

Erwin immediately wakes.

"Levi," he says, voice thick with sleep. "What’s wrong?" He moves closer, and Levi feels crowded for a moment.

 _The arm is getting crushed_ , Levi thinks, wildly. _The bag’s going to pop, the blood’s going to pool_ — 

"You’re crushing the arm," he says to the wall, Erwin behind him with a hand on Levi’s hip. 

"Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize I was on top of you," Erwin says, and goes to move but Levi feels Erwin’s leg brush against his back.

Levi’s hands go to his own throat, and he feels like he’s choking, and he gets out, "Stop. _Stop._ The arm’s going to get crushed. The bag’s going to break."

Silence.

Erwin, slowly, "What arm, Levi?"

"There’s too much blood. The arm has to be — carried. It has to be okay," and Levi knows he sounds crazy, knows he’s blabbering, knows his own fingers are scrabbling at his throat, feeling the veins of the bag thinner and thinner, and it’s slippery now, his fingers are coming back red, and the bag is a dead weight around his neck. The bag is red, full of blood and bits and pieces of Erwin’s arm and flesh and bones. The arm doesn’t look good, it looks faded in the moonlight of the room, the veins are gray, the fingers rotting, fingernails cracked, and where the Titan bit it off, there’s shattered broken bones and the flesh is decaying and there’s none of Erwin in it, and all of Erwin in it and and Levi — 

"Levi. _Levi —_ "

The arm is spoiled. It’s a rotten piece of flesh. What good can Levi do now? It can’t ever be sewn onto Erwin now, no matter how many spools of black thread Levi can find. 

"Levi." A sharp ache.

And Levi exhales, and comes back to Erwin’s harsh grip. 

"Who said you had to carry it?" Erwin’s voice. Soft. He has his left arm around Levi’s waist, gripping him tight, and his face is in the crook of Levi’s neck.

Levi feels a sting on his neck and knows Erwin had to bite him to get him out. He doesn’t feel grateful at the moment.

"I had to," Levi gets out, gritting his teeth. 

A beat — and then, 

"It’s not yours to carry, Levi." 

Levi stills, and then turns around in Erwin’s hold, and looks Erwin in the eyes, the blue darker in the night. 

Erwin looks pained. He looks like he did when he first told Levi he loved him, like it hurt to get out just as much as it hurt to keep in. 

"Levi. You don’t need to. I’m carrying it with me everyday," Erwin says, and he pauses, "and it’s still not enough—"

Levi reaches out to grip Erwin’s chin with his fingers. "Stop."

Erwin, all quiet. "You know it’s true. It’s the price I can at least pay." Levi closes his eyes, unable to understand.

He listens to Erwin’s soft breathing for a moment. He opens his eyes and says, "Let me carry it with you."

"No. You’ve done enough. It isn’t yours to carry—" 

"Erwin," and Levi knows he sounds desperate, and he tries again, and it comes out a beg, a sob almost, "Erwin. Please." He feels sick with all of it.

Erwin reaches out with his left hand and traces Levi’s cheek, the thumb coming away wet. 

"Levi. Let me hold the bag," he whispers.

"No. No. It’s mine, it’s my bag," Levi says back, and he feels like he needs to run away, hold the stinking, rotten mass of decaying, mutilated flesh in his arms, and make sure Erwin never, ever gets close.

"It’s okay," Erwin breathes out, and he kisses Levi on the lips. Levi squeezes his eyes shut, all wet, and tries not to let the fissure in his body crack under the pressure that is all of Erwin. 

He kisses Levi again, a sweet thing against his mouth, and says again, "It’s okay. You’ve done enough." He keeps repeating it, like it’s a mantra Levi needs to let go of the guilt and pain he feels, and he keeps going, pecking Levi’s cheek, his nose, his forehead, his mouth wet.

"It wasn’t your fault, Levi." 

Erwin kisses both of Levi’s swollen eyelids.

He whispers, "It wasn’t your fault."

How is it not? Levi wasn’t there to save Erwin.

Erwin, again. "I’m not dead." Another kiss on Levi’s cheekbone. At that, Levi feels like weeping. Instead, he lets the pressure give in, and the whole of Erwin swims neatly into his sphere.

He inhales in, shaky, and burrows his face in Erwin’s neck and smells the musky scent he knows well. "You won’t leave?" He says this almost hesitantly. 

Erwin says back, "I won’t leave you." 

They both stay like that for a moment. He feels Erwin move his fingers through his hair.

Levi says, finally, almost like a slur, a broken thing in the moonlight: "It gets heavy."

Erwin’s fingers still. "Maybe we can throw it out."

"Together?" Levi asks, hopeful.

Erwin exhales, his breath hot over Levi’s head. "Together. I don’t know how you kept such a dirty bag around." 

Levi laughs, voice hoarse. He rests his head against Erwin’s chest and hears the sturdy heartbeat thump, once, twice.

He’s almost asleep, swayed deeply to the rise and fall of Erwin’s body, when he hears Erwin whisper, "You’re all I have, Levi." As if Erwin’s read his thoughts, and understood it on a level only he can get.

Levi looks up from the embrace — and sees Erwin’s smile. This time, though, it reaches his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure my meaning came across well in this but basically! they just let go of the guilt about erwin's arm together lmao. eruri 4ever
> 
> thanks for reading!! i'm on [tumblr](https://whenzombiesattack.tumblr.com/) !


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